The Hunter/Gather of Surburbia

Are we where we live?

September 13, 2010

the rules of survival

I am nearly at the halfway point in the novel. The dawning realization by Matt and Callie that their is more to what their mother does is slowly coming to light. The youngest, Emmy, prayed before bed that Murdoch would return to them. This of course enrages Nikki and mobilizes Matt and Callie to protect their little sister. Folded the book closed at the point where Matt and Callie have been kicked out of the house to go to church. Emmy having to stay home with Nikki and the man she brought home with her, because Emmy has been bad and doesn't deserve to go to church.

Today, when I thought of the title of the novel, I realized we all in some way create rules for ourselves and sometimes our families that help us survive the truly rough spots. I don't think I would have realized this if I wasn't going through this particular rough patch right now. Without a job and, for the time being, no money it is difficult for me to see beyond. With the settlement from the school district I will have money and health insurance for six months. But that is little comfort when I don't have a job. I'm drinking more water, obviously because it is free so that is making me a bit more healthy and I'm losing weight because I am trying to make what I have in the house right now last until the first settlement check shows up next week. I hate being self centered and thinking about myself all of the time. I had finally clawed my way out of that rut years ago. A side effect of being an only child I think, but once you have to think of others you can claw out. Once my children came into my life I was able to see that what I wanted wasn't as important as what they needed. I guess that's why I feel so hurt that Kelsey has just severed our relationship. I know that she is the sole of her family and that my life is second to them. But, they have lived in my house rent and expense free, other than their food since last August. Only once did I have to rely on them to pay the monthly bills. Now, when I need her help again I am made to feel guilty for asking for help with things like the electricity bill for July and August and to buy dogfood when their two dogs are here with me. I do not and will never feel guilty for asking for help with the phone bill since I am paying for Matt to have a phone!
I hear that voicing these kinds of frustrations is cathartic, but I don't feel like any weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I am more depressed than when I first started writing this.
Going to go sit on the porch and read some more. Maybe the next book will Angus... and full frontal snogging.. Makes me smile just trying to remember the entire title.

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