The Hunter/Gather of Surburbia

Are we where we live?

May 25, 2011

Restored, somewhat

I knew coming to the library would restore a bit of myself. Started Crystal Singer by Anne Mccaffrey and found a quote that sort of applies "Then she realized her despondency was merely self-pity...." Self-pity is one of those things that you find yourself in and then have to struggle back out of. Yes, I think a part of my depression is self-pity and poor poor me attitude, there is also just the general anger with family that I really can't do anything about.
I purposely don't pick up after the girls or Kelsey or Matt for that matter. Though I have to do the dishes, which usually requires doing theirs as well. I also from time to time have to do their laundry because Kelsey always starts it, but rarely ever finishes it. I don't like doing laundry either, which is why I do it each time I have a full load. Kelsey, of course, has a full load nearly daily and that's a bummer, but if she did one load each day that's all she would be doing and not up to ten loads in one day. When that happens she, of course, over fills the washer and is probably wearing it out twice as fast as she would if she would do one nearly full load a day. When I suggest it, she gets angry with me.
I would have to say that being the library actually does restore me. Whether it is because I am just getting out of the house or because the relaxed atmosphere actually does restore me. Well the time is about run out on my parking meter so I have to go. Back at it later, I hope.

May 24, 2011

What if...

What if I had all the money I ever wanted? That is such a crazy thing to say, don't you think? I want a good job that pays me a good salary and I want more than anything to pay off all off all of my bills. To be debt free that is what I want.
At this point in my life, I'm not so sure I want to be a teacher anymore. I so love working with students, but I am not sure that teaching is the best way for me to advocate for students. But nonprofits aren't hiring and I don't have any experience doing anything other than teaching, so I'm not sure what I can do to make money. I can't stand being on unemployment, I did the whole on the public dole thing back when I was first divorced and I don't like it.
Speaking of being divorced, my ex will be in town tomorrow for his mother's memorial. It is so weird neither of them have lived in Salem for over 10 years so the whole memorial here in Salem is sorta weird on one level. I don't think they even have family here, oh almost forgot she's a crum, female member of the Masons, I have no idea what the female organization is called. Anyway, my son said he told his dad they could go to a bar and have a beer, but that he didn't want him at his house. Well, he didn't tell him that last part, that's what he told me after I said I was so over his dad. To keep a grudge that long, wait his sister still has one, she has it bad. But then she was only 1 when we divorced so no love lost there.
Home alone for a bit as Kelsey, Matt and the girls are going to spend time with his parents for a little bit. Which is annoying since I need help with the electric and phone bills and she didn't leave any money with me to help me out. It is starting to get really really annoying, more than that I am angry and what can I do? I won't kick them out, but shit my electric bill is twice what it would be if I was here alone, actually probably three times as much. They do tons of laundry, which brings up the other point that she used the last of it and didn't buy any more so now I have to do it.
She does help out with the food and that is one thing I don't have to worry about.
Didn't go to Andrew's second to last music program tonight. I feel really bad, but it is so hard just to get out of the house when I feel so angry about Kelsey and so depressed about not having money. Oh and top it all off Matt comes in says he's taking Sabby, their dog, and promptly takes the only dog shampoo in the house, that I bought, then gets some dogfood, which I also bought, I am really not doing well today. I shall stop writing now before I decide to go shoot myself in the fucking head.

May 22, 2011

Family and ...

In the background Kelsey, Matt, and the girls are eating spaghetti. I am still feeling funky from my steak and egg lunch. I am trying to eat a big lunch and a lighter dinner in an attempt to work off calories. Not that I exercise or anything, but maybe it will help a bit. Every bit helps. I would very much like to go to the park and walk every day, but right now I can't afford the gas. Two bills are behind by a month and I'm not sure when I will be able to catch them up if Kelsey and Matt don't start helping me with the household bills. I hate to ask them, maybe that is one of the things that is depressing me.
Anyway, unemployment does not allow you any kind of wiggle room what so ever. If I could get Kelsey to go shopping, that is one they help me out as they get food stamps so adding the things I need doesn't hurt them, anyway again, Kelsey hates to grocery shop, as do I, but I do like browsing when I get there and Kelsey hates that. I always have list via a blackberry app called OurGroceries so I know what I want. I try to have one new recipe to try. I just read Molly Wizenberg's blog Orangette and I may have more than one recipe this week if I can get Kelsey to the darn store. You should check out her blog which is on the left side of my blog.
I am so pumped to watch Jesse Stone tonight. I love Tom Selleck. Sighing deeply, what a hunk.

What is it like to be depressed?

I've always wondered what it is like to be depressed. I see the ads on TV for this or that product or this or that  "clinical study." But I think I am depressed. I am tired all of the time and I can't blame it all on starting on Zyrtec this week. What the generic Wal Zyr did was to take away the nearly debilitation headaches I had been experiencing for about a month. Two days after starting the Wal Zyr my headaches were gone and I felt better. Unfortunately the warning for drowsiness was fairly accurate. But I am hoping that my body will adjust and the drowsiness will diminish. Or, I guess it will back to Allegra, well the generic Allegra. Man not having health really does suck.
Walgreens has a nifty prescription card that helps pay for medications and that's cool. My high blood pressure meds are not all that expensive, but the prescription generic Allegra is crazy high, like over $40 for 30 pills. So it is to over the counter I go back to. I guess what scares me, and maybe that is what is depressing, is that I am not feeling well, but I can't afford to go to the doctor to figure out what it is. Like so many others in my situation, I have to just bull through it and hope it goes away on its own.

May 8, 2011

Inspired by another writer in my writing circle

Thanks to Pat I may be inspired to write more, write to my grandkids from time to time.

Dear Andrew, Jesse, Lauren, and Alexis

On this Mother's Day I must write a short note to the four of you. You all mean so much to me, I am blessed that I get to see you all nearly every day. The boys not so much as my girls, but I so enjoy every moment with all of you. Remember to have fun every day and hug something, even if it one of your many animals. They count too, and sometimes may need that hug more than humans do from time to time.

Love Grammy

Googling yourself

So, I bet you really haven't tried to Google Earth yourself. No I mean really, looking back into your life and seeing yourself. I just submitted my first attempt at Google Earth of myself to the Story Circle Network. I am thinking of doing an ongoing Google of myself and my life as a way to put down my life into words.
The following is what I first wrote, I had to edit for Story Circle, but my original writing is here for you to look at.

If I were to Google Earth myself what would I see?
Would I see myself sitting here at my computer?
Would I see my house surrounded by fields and a small patch of forest?
Would I see Salem, Oregon bisected by I5 sitting along the Willamette River?
Would I see Washington state to the north, Idaho to the East, California to the South and the Pacific to the West?
What would I see?
If I were to Google Earth my family what would I see?
Would I see the birth of my parents one born in Bottineau, North Dakota the other in Leland, Oregon?
Would I see them meet and then marry in Seattle, Washington?
Would I see them move west from Missouri to Oregon by car just after the end of WW II?
Would I see their first home on Dearborn Ave in Keizer?
Would I see them journey to Portland, Oregon to St Vincent's Hospital to adopt me?
What would I see?
If I were to Google Earth my family what would I see?
Would I see my children grow up and drift away and then drift back?
What would I see?
If I were to Google Earth my family what would I see?
Would I see my first grandson being born with a cleft palate, before I knew he was my grandson?
Would I see my second grandson being born looking so much like his mother and nothing like his father, my son?
Would I see my two grandsons walking down the lane with my father between them, finally accepting them?
Would I see my daughter on the phone to me saying, "Mom I have something to tell you," and me knowing right away she was pregnant with grandchild number three, the first girl?
Would I see my second granddaughter being born, like her older sister, by c-section, like her mother and her uncle?
What would I see?
If I were to Google Earth myself, what would I see?
By Lisa Chretien, April 2011

May 4, 2011

Queen of Tarts

I almost forgot! After my last blogging session I went down to Queen of Tarts for some yummy soup and I had the most divine soup, Italian Wedding Soup, it was great even though I got the dregs which for soup I think is the best part. I missed the meatballs that are part of the soup, but the pearl pasta stuff was great and the broth tasty and bit spicy, just the way I like it.
So if you live in Salem and are near the City Center, that would be where City Hall and the Library are not the actual center, anyway stop by Queen of Tarts, not only do they have yummy yummy soup, but pastries too. I could do without the canned pop, but make do because the soups are so darn yum yum yummy.

A Homemade Life

I am still enjoying the memoir and it is taking me longer than normal because I keep stopping to cook some of the recipes. I am also discovering that my forthcoming interviews are squilching my brain. I'm making dumb mistakes about things I have read and actually publicizing my dumbness by talking about them in my reading circle. Sigh... Today there was talk of roasting beets and I said Molly had written on her blog about beets, but it was radishes. Sigh... I guess getting two of my not fond of veggies isn't a sin, but it really drives me nuts when I'm not accurate.
I want to go out and buy veggies, but I have to save what little money I have to travel to Gold Beach which is five hours from Salem. Gas is getting crazy. Gold Beach interview on Thursday and then Newport on Friday. I wish gas was cheaper then I could commute to Newport, well if I got the job there. I'd still have to move close to Gold Beach. Which, I am finding out is going to be a problem as it is a tourist destination so there aren't many, if any, affordable rentals in the area. Ah well, I guess I have to get the job offer first now don't I? Not sure about being a Child Protective Services Worker. You'd like to think the job is saving kids and is in their best interests, but my personal experience is much the opposite.
The day is beautiful and I have things to do. Hopefully, I will back later as I have some things niggling at my stressed out brain to come out.